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jenoj
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Name: Jen
Gender: Female
Interests: God, travelling, music, art, literature, learning, people, shoes, clothes and fashion.
Occupation: wife, foreign language teacher
Message: message me
Member Since:
6/19/2006
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| So, in January I have to start an internship. Only thing is, I don't know where I'll be doing it.
I'm in the process of going to interviews right now and trying to deal with that. It is all very stressful (as you can imagine). It feels like there is a lot of competition for these positions, and I'm very worried that I won't get the placement I want.
Funny how my happiness is so dependent on what I want. I am really trying to trust God with this, knowing that He knows the outcome, that He is somehow involved in this process and guiding me along. I struggle with seeing him playing a part in this.
I just really wish that this learning process was complete. That's the lazy part of me speaking. I'm on the verge of jumping into therapy and I'm wondering if I should take the plunge. It is so scary, and I know that the road ahead is going to be bumpy. I know that there are ups and downs, good and bad. But man, it is hard to be rational about it. It is hard to say "Okay God, I'm going to be fine with whatever you do." In reality, I'm not going to be happy with whatever he does. I'm not going to be fine. There's a good chance that I am going to have to wrestle with disappointment, feeling a lack of confidence and uncertainty.
Plus, it is equally hard to feel like you have to answer to people. My friends and family all know that I'm applying for an internship, and they're rooting for me. Believe me, I want some positions badly. If it doesn't work I'm going to have to face their disappointment as well. I know that telling them and having them on my side is important, but I still dread the results.
In fact, I think I have more anxiety now that some interviews are over than I had before. I second-guess what I said or did. I constantly wonder if I was good enough. I begin to realize how small I am, how this is completely out of my hands now. Ugh. Trust...is...so...hard.
So, here is another step in my journey. I'll keep you posted...
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| I think that sometimes it's easy to forget the personality that goes with the profile.
Don't get me wrong, I love Facebook and all. It helps me stay connected with people that I would have lost contact with.
But sometimes I forget "who" those people are. I forget their voice, or the way it feels when I see them in person and talk with them. We all know that a lot is lost when we only communicate in text, but sometimes if this is the only way I'm connected to someone I begin to forget. My own biases start flooding their messages, and all of a sudden their voices are taking on different tones and conveying different messages.
And then I stop.
I realize "Hey, I remember this person. They aren't like this. They aren't the way I am constructing them."
It is weird to think about, but I do construct people by their messages. Yet, my construction is so flawed that I start to forget the real person on the other end. Sometimes I catch myself thinking "This person has really changed over the years." Then I realize maybe they haven't changed as much as I thought, only that I am constructing them differently. I'm forgetting all of those other wonderful things that make a person.
So, for those of you out there reading this: I am trying to remember you. YOU. Who you are and what you look like, how you nod your head or squint your eyes when you laugh. The nervous twitches or the twirling of hair between the fingers. Subtleties.
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| Ben and I signed up to be emergency substitute teachers. I thought that I was a little crazy for doing this because the thought of being a sub scared me. Come on, you remember what it was like when you got a sub....
The first time I got called I couldn't go in because I was sick. I was somewhat relieved that I didn't have to face my worst fear but turning down an opportunity to sub isn't a good thing if you want to get called again. Pretty soon Ben was getting called in and I wasn't.
I was a bit skeptical if my turn would come, hoping that I would get called to make good use of all that paperwork I had to do just to become a sub. But, then again subbing would pretty much cause me to lose some precious free time. Or rather it just meant that I might not get my readings done for this week...
But today I got the call.
AND it wasn't as scary as I thought it was going to be. I mean, I had a co-teacher who did most of the work and I was responsible for helping with crowd control. Which, by the way, is really needed in seventh grade.
Oh man. Seventh grade. Not going to lie, they're not my most fave group of kids. There were some kids who were cool (like the ones who did their work) but really, most of the time was kids saying "Oh, I forgot my book in my locker. Can I go get it?" or "Teacher, I need a drink." I even had kids walk out of the class without even asking me. Grrr....
It's been awhile since I was in seventh grade, but I kept thinking "Was I really like this in seventh grade?" Where everything is a big deal, that teachers are pretty much making me do all sorts of dumb things, and that all I really want to do is talk to my friends. I can't remember being so dramatic (although I probably was). But really, most of the kids were apathetic. Some were down right disrespectful talking back to me when really all I was asking from them was something simple.
Example:
Me: You boys need to stop talking. It's silent reading and you need to get a book."
Boy # 1: You know, teachers don't have to be that strict. I was just talking to him because he has a problem."
(Inner me: what a jerk kid. I'm the teacher. Must be alpha-dog. Crap. I don't know what I could say to him to make him do anything. Go with 'the look')
Me (giving the look): You need to listen to me. Go and sit down and stop talking.
Boy #1: I don't have to go and sit down. I can talk to people you know.
Me: (angry glare): I'm the teacher. You sit. Now.
Throughout the day I had "little" interactions like this with this same boy, who was determined to tell me that he could do whatever he wanted. Ugh. Don't like that kid.
In some ways I get it. I get that I'm not their real teacher and they're angry they can't do whatever they want. I get that the little fight they had at break is really a big deal to them. I get that. But this is school, not your house. This is a place where you come to learn, and I am in charge of that.
Anyways, I've decided that being a seventh grade teacher is one of the hardest jobs. EVER.
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| One thing I have noticed about marriage is that it's the "little things" that keep it going.
I've been doing A LOT of reading about marriages lately, and when I've been talking to people about marriage one things that seems to come up lots are the "little things" that spouses do for one another.
Being newlyweds is always a lot of fun, but pretty soon reality begins to hit you and you get comfortable with one another. You stop having little fights over dumb things like which way the toilet paper goes because you've figured out how to function together.
But, lots of times, after that learning curve is up and things settle down kids, and careers and stuff just starts happening. It gets harder to make your marriage a priority.
But you know how you make it work? You continually love one another. You serve one another. You do "little things" like helping with laundry, making a meal just the way your family likes it, even leave a note. Sometimes I think I get delusional about the ways I think that my husband should love me. I used to think that he needed to do something "big" or significant but I missed out on all the small things he does.
For example, when he makes popcorn, he separates out the half-popped kernels just for me. He cooks. He cleans. He allows me to do my school work. Although seemingly small they keep our marriage functioning on a deeper level. They say "hey, I love you".
Another wife told me that when her husband passes by her he pats her on the back - just a little caress - but it means so much to her. These things don't even take that long to do, but coupled with some date-nights and keeping a good foundation you're doing a lot of good for your marriage.
So yeah, it's the little things that keep us going.
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| Alright, so I survived the first round of papers and projects...there seems to be this odd stillness for about a week before the craziness of grad school kicks it up another notch...
And how do you think I spent my short reprieve? In bed. SICK. I just hate it when your stress (and immunity) go down and then you get hit with something.
So, I really haven't gotten a lot done these past couple days, except for drinking copious amounts of tea, blowing my nose out, and managing to read some chapters for class. Ugh. Yesterday was just plain gross, and I just felt bad. Thankfully I do have a little free time to sit around and do nothing. Although I wish that nothing could have included something a little more fun or productive, I guess it's not that bad that I was able to get over my cold.
I was just thinking how as a kid, I always wanted to be sick and stay home from school. I tried so many ways, but my mom wouldn't let me. The rule at my house was "if you're throwing up or bleeding, then you can stay home". For some reason staying home was just so much fun. I think that the idea of staying home made me feel a little better so that I could muster up enough strength to watch tv. But as an adult, being sick is absolutely no fun. I hate it. Not only do I seem to feel worse when I am sick, but then I just have to deal with all the things that I'm not doing. Our adult lives are not designed for sickness, because you take a day off and you just lay there feeling awful and thinking about what needs to get done....
Oh well, today things seem to be better. I'm actually up and getting some stuff done, so that's good.
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